Thursday, August 7, 2014

Tender Soul

Being a year away at such a tender age opened my mind about the meaning of home. No matter how bad the heat is, no matter how you hate the air quality, it's still home. Where you laid your heart and felt good. 

All these places have their moments, and I thanked God for every blessing in my life. 

All that remains in the present are the voice, the presence, and the importance of fulfilling my mission. I don't regret difficulties I experienced; I think they helped me to become the person I am today  -The Zahir


Early October 2013
The leaves are turning red and yellow. The school bus's fan is still rolling, although this is already October. Playing Let Her Go by The Passenger. Such a beautiful and neat city. The trees lining beside the boulevard. People biking or jogging with their dogs in the tracking path that lining everywhere throughout the city.

The sun is hot outside, its rays shining through the bus window.

Sometimes you got this negative feeling about someone, about how they acted toward you, and only toward you, this way and that way and you don't know why. Sometimes you got upset when your little siblings acted like their age -like kids. Sometimes it's hard to approach something or someone and you just tired of smiling. Sometimes it gets really frustrating and tiring and you started to think if you could just roll on your blanket and woke up when it's all right.

But it's gonna be alright, if you keep going. Great things don't come easy. Gosh, that's exactly what I said on my speech yesterday.

 Step by step. Maybe it's hard for the heart to beat 31.622.400 times a year. But it will be easier when it beats once in a second.

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only needs the sun when it starts to snow
...
Only hate the road when you missin' home'

Autumn in Afton Park

Sebelum sedekat nadi, kita pernah sejauh matahari

Tempat itu menjadi awal kisah kita.

Tempat yang ramah dan hangat, dengan suasana kompetitif yang membuat dinamis. Tempat yang pernah pada suatu hari dulu, selalu dirindukan. Dimana nyawanya di hari pertama terasa sampai ke sukma.

Bukan anak populer.

Kamu duduk di barisan paling kiri, pendiam dan selalu berkonsentrasi. Kita tak tahu satu sama lain, dan kamu asing untukku. Kehidupan kita berbeda, lingkaran kita tak sama. Tanpa kita tahu, Ia menggariskan kita untuk berpapasan di satu persimpangan, tak lama setelah itu.

Kamu ambisius.

Komunikasi pertama kita lewat pesan singkat. Apa kamu masih ingat apa yang kamu kirim? Instruksi tentang tugas kelompok yang batas waktunya masih lama. Hal pertama yang terlintas dipikiranku: kamu ambisius, dan aneh. Cara kamu berbahasa. Waktu itu aku pura-pura mengerti semua yang kamu instruksikan.

Lalu, selama dua minggu kita melewati hari bersama.

Duduk di sudut dengan sapu, cat, dan berbagai perlengkapan lainnya. Kamu mengajariku banyak hal, secara akademik juga tentang karakter. Aku ingat pernah menjelaskan satu topik pelajaran, hal yang sangat jarang terjadi karena biasanya kamu yang selalu jadi guru untukku. Saat melihat balik ke kenangan itu, aku sadar, kamu bukannya tidak mengerti. Kamu hanya ingin tahu seberapa jauh aku mengerti.

Rahasia.

Sejak kapan aku berbagi rahasia denganmu? Dan yang aku tahu, itu selalu satu arah. Kamu yang tertutup dan memagari hidup.

Tangis

'Kita boleh sayang seseorang, tapi jangan berharap sayang itu dibalas. Menyayangi tanpa ekspektasi,' begitu kata Ibu saat aku menangis. Mungkin sekarang kamu tau kelanjutan cerita itu. Dan kamu tau kamu adalah… Kamu.

Waktu aku pergi.

Malam itu, kamu menangis di bahuku.

Sebelum sedekat nadi, kita pernah sejauh matahari

Mungkin ini untuk sementara, mungkin ini untuk selamanya. Hal yang ku tau pasti, kita adalah arus air yang akan selalu mengalir. Mungkin kita akan bertemu di muara dan berpetualang bersama, atau... Kita akan terbelah dan mengarungi sungai kita masing-masing.

Sampai nanti.

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Draft waktu gue masih di Amerika. Ini cerita tentang kita, tapi gue mendramatisasi dengan efek berlebihan. Given that I informed you about most of this post's content on the scrapbook I gave you. Just in case you found this post and wondering why it is so exaggeratedly tragic :*




Complete The Circle

It has been so long since our first encounter that morning in the corner of the class. It has been so long since your role began to change in my life. It has been so long and it is time to cut loose the remaining string. As Paulo Coelho said, It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.

Point taken, lesson learned. The future doesn't scare me --not anymore. It makes me wonder and it makes me think, and I intend to live my life the way I want it to be. It meant to put you and all the baggage into a suitcase and locked it away. 

People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

June 20, 2013 -- Remember when we watched a rainbow with the kids? I think it was such a sweet moment. 

I believe when it's meant to be, it will be. It's only the accompany feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I'll try to cope, though.

Time is up. No more coping with anything uncomfortable. No hard feelings, and I wish no left-over feelings either.

Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

Thank you for the experience. I'm completing our circle.